Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Let Faith Arise

This whole pregnancy thing has been a giant test of faith.  Do I trust that there is a creator who perfectly knit me together?  Do I trust that that same Creator can knit perfectly my own child and protect it?  Yes, and yes.  Though it's not always easy.

I've had moments of panic.  Moments of joy.  Moments of great stress.  Moments of excitement.

As Jim and I were driving to church on Sunday, this song was the last to play in the car before we got out, and then it was the same song that was all through the worship service from beginning to end.  It was definitely a song that I apparently needed to hear.

We had our 2nd doctor's appointment today and it was more frustrating than anything.  Didn't get to see our little peanut, which I think is total torture... How do they expect you to only have TWO ultrasounds?  We won't get to see him/her until we find out if it's a him/her on March 13.  He/she was also not in the right place for us to hear their heart beating.  Which... at the moment is my biggest fear.  That the baby doesn't have a heartbeat and that we'll lose it still.  Probably irrational, but definitely still a worry.

I am continually reminded through my stress and questioning and uncertainty that I need to stop.  I need to believe.  I need to have faith in the unseen.

For you created my inmost being;    you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;    your works are wonderful,    I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you    when I was made in the secret place,    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. 16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;    all the days ordained for me were written in your book    before one of them came to be. 17 How precious to me are your thoughts, God!    How vast is the sum of them! 18 Were I to count them,    they would outnumber the grains of sand—    when I awake, I am still with you.
-Psalm 139:13-18 

Monday, January 9, 2012

Meet Me By The Water

For those of you that have seen the movie, Bella, you may be familiar with this song selection.   I have been itching to watch that movie lately, but haven't let myself just yet.  It's a beautiful film about healing and restoration and the joy that the life of a child can bring.  It makes me cry and yearn for a child of my own.  The last scene of the movie I always think of how I will play with my child(ren) like that.  This song has always for some reason, been a song that I associate with my long rooted desire to have a child, though not all the words really apply to that.

I wasn't really open about this back in March, but we lost a baby early in 2011.  It was one of the most difficult things I have ever been through.  A morning that was supposed to be filled with joy and laughter quickly turned into one of the most traumatic days of my life.  Instead of telling me my baby was healthy, as everyone expects at their first appointment, I was told that it was ectopic and due to the size, it was a threat to my own life.  If it grew much further, it would burst my fallopian tube and the situation would be much more drastic.  I was immediately wheeled into the operating room and they removed my pride and joy from my life.   We said goodbye to our Isaiah Matthew (hopefully he was a boy! :)) and started planning for the future.

By the end of May we were looking at options to change jobs, churches, cities... everything.  Mid-June Jim was offered a job and accepted.  He started the transition in mid-July.  By the first week of August, we had all our affairs in order and I was with him starting my new adventure.  This transition has been one of the best things for us.

We have been very blessed, and are very excited to announce that we are expecting our first child at the beginning of August.  We had our first ultrasound and doctors appointment on December 20 and everything looked great!  We are so very excited to get to our next appointment to see our little peanut again!  Please join us in prayer as I am very anxious to get out of this very delicate first trimester stage.