A few weeks ago at work we did a DiSC assessment. If you know anything about DiSC and want to know what my letter is, I'm actually at a dead tie between the S and C. I was a little indignant at first, because I had always felt like I associated better with the I, but the more I struggle with it, the more I realize my personality really isn't that. It may have been more so that way in college, but as I'm aging and settling into life, I'm definitely a STRONG C. C's thrive on quality control and perfection. My how that has been a huge issue for me these past few weeks.
I can't tell you how many times I've lost my temper or ended up in tears right along with Sarah as she cried and picked the most inconvenient times to get hungry or to just need me. I start to get mad at her, as if she KNEW what was "interrupting". Oh how I wished she understood me - but then again... maybe not. My pleas for "just 5 more minutes" might be heard, but then again, I don't want her to ever feel like she's not my priority.
I get so overwhelmed and mad at her for wanting whatever it is she wants - and then I get mad at MYSELF for being mad at her. It's just a big circle of mad. And you know what kills me about all of it?
No one told me this was normal....
Not until I started talking with some people, did I find out that I'm not alone. Which, definitely helps. But it also doesn't stop me from wanting to fix it. So fix it I will try, and I will fail. But hopefully in the midst of those failures and selfish moments, there will be victories and forward motion.
My prayer is that I'm open and honest with what I'm going through, so that someone else might know that they aren't alone. The isolated feeling is probably one of the biggest ways that the enemy can keep us down and get us to doubt our faith.
I just have to breathe and remember that no matter what, my baby IS my priority and everything else will come in time and that I can't do everything at once.