Thursday, August 16, 2012

Forward Motion

I feel like I should now change the blog title, to Confessions of a Failed Supermom...  HA!  The last two weeks have been so incredibly humbling to me.  I just CAN'T be everything that I want to be.  It's just simply impossible.  To be everything I want to be, I must 1) be a fully committed full-time mom. AND 2) be a fully committed workaholic.

A few weeks ago at work we did a DiSC assessment.  If you know anything about DiSC and want to know what my letter is, I'm actually at a dead tie between the S and C.  I was a little indignant at first, because I had always felt like I associated better with the I, but the more I struggle with it, the more I realize my personality really isn't that.  It may have been more so that way in college, but as I'm aging and settling into life, I'm definitely a STRONG C.  C's thrive on quality control and perfection.  My how that has been a huge issue for me these past few weeks.

I can't tell you how many times I've lost my temper or ended up in tears right along with Sarah as she cried and picked the most inconvenient times to get hungry or to just need me.  I start to get mad at her, as if she KNEW what was "interrupting".  Oh how I wished she understood me - but then again... maybe not.  My pleas for "just 5 more minutes" might be heard, but then again, I don't want her to ever feel like she's not my priority.

I get so overwhelmed and mad at her for wanting whatever it is she wants - and then I get mad at MYSELF for being mad at her.  It's just a big circle of mad.  And you know what kills me about all of it?

No one told me this was normal....

Not until I started talking with some people, did I find out that I'm not alone.  Which, definitely helps.  But it also doesn't stop me from wanting to fix it.  So fix it I will try, and I will fail.  But hopefully in the midst of those failures and selfish moments, there will be victories and forward motion.

My prayer is that I'm open and honest with what I'm going through, so that someone else might know that they aren't alone.  The isolated feeling is probably one of the biggest ways that the enemy can keep us down and get us to doubt our faith.

I just have to breathe and remember that no matter what, my baby IS my priority and everything else will come in time and that I can't do everything at once.

Just breathe.


Monday, August 13, 2012

We are Family!

We had a fabulous weekend with family, Sarah's dedication at church, and the church shower!  Instead of regaling you, I'm just going to show you!

8-12-12:  Sarah's dedication at church.

8-12-12: Beautiful decorations at the shower!  Thank you, everyone!!!

8-12-12:  Just SOME of the wonderful new outfits that have been recently added to Sarah's wardrobe.
8-11-12:  Meeting new family members!  Especially excited about having all five generations of Bechts together!
 

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Beautiful Things

We finally made it to our due date!  I must say, yesterday was a little rough on me, but we did  make it through!  It was our first time having to leave Sarah with a babysitter.  I'm sure it's always rough leaving your child for the first time - but my baby's less than 6lbs (we think!).  She's still so tiny and helpless.  She did great though, and I'm so proud of her.

I officially started back to work full time this week.  I haven't talked much about our plans for the fall until it got here just in case something changed, but I am so very thankful for the fine folks at Nashville Ballet and working with me as we continue to transition.  Prior to my maternity leave, we were planning for me to be working full time during the days instead of the nights and weekends I was working.  This was going to allow me more time with Jim and Sarah together as a family.  We were SO excited, despite the need for full time daycare.

In the midst of my recovery from surgery and our NICU time, the Brentwood office gal gave her two weeks and it prompted discussions of what if I moved down there to make it a little easier on me travel wise (It's at least about 15 minutes closer to my house than I was before) and then I would also be back to working evenings and weekends, but it would be a lot less time required in the evenings than at the main campus.  The rest of the time, I'll be mostly working from home, and spending one day a week up at our main campus in the office.  This means that Sarah only needs someone to watch her one day a week!  The rest of the time she can hang out with me while I'm working from home!  I'll be continuing a lot of my communications tasks, database maintenance and quality control tasks, and switching some of my customer service tasks to our Brentwood campus.  I'll also still be the staff contact for our youth casts for our productions and working closely with Nashville's Nutcracker - which is seriously one of the BEST parts of my job.  :)

This has been a serious answer to prayer.  I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom with my kids.  I never felt comfortable with someone else raising my children and me just feeding them and putting them into bed at night.  Honestly, if that's what you have to do, you do it.  We were totally planning on it and prepared for it.  Though, I had been praying for a way to be able to be at home with her - and honestly I couldn't see how that was going to be possible as we completely need both full time incomes to make it.

This transition into work-from-home/evenings and short Saturdays has been the 100% ideal situation to make it all balance and work!  A complete answer to prayer.  I also think it's worth mentioning that today is my 1 year anniversary at Nashville Ballet as a staffer, and I am so excited about what this next year has to hold.  (They haven't paid me anything to brag about them, I promise!  They really are just that great.)

In other news, we're having family come in this weekend for Sarah's baby dedication at church.  We are incredibly excited to be sharing Sarah with our church family and to make the very public statement that we want to raise her to be living for Jesus Christ.  Unfortunately not all our family can make it due to the distance, but we are very lucky to have most of the mine and Jim's grandparents, our parents, siblings, and also my great-grandmother with us.  We are so fortunate to introduce Sarah to her great-great-grandmother!  Be looking for pictures and updates after this weekend.  It's sure to be a special time!  If you would like to be a part of it, but can't be there our church does stream their services online. You can go to  www.fulllifeag.com for the streaming video on Sunday.  Our service starts at 10 a.m. central time.

The two weekends after that will be filled with additional family coming from quite a distance to meet Sarah.  We are thrilled to share her.  Hopefully soon we'll be able to start to travel a little with her as our schedules allow!

8/7/12: I'm a full term baby now!!

Friday, August 3, 2012

Carry Me

For a myriad of reasons, this past week has been difficult.  I'm definitely still dealing with the physical and emotional after effects of not only having a baby, but traumatically at that.  Don't get me wrong - I am SO thankful for how God has brought us through to this point.  His provision has been more than I could ever dream of.  When Sarah is crying uncontrollably in the middle of the night, it just surfaces every feeling of inadequacy and helplessness that I've felt through this whole experience.

Luckily we're getting there.  Every day, it seems we learn a little more of Sarah's personality and needs.  I'm so glad I invested in the book, The Happiest Baby on the Block.  While I felt like I knew how to calm an unhappy baby, the principles in this book have been EXACTLY what Sarah needs to calm right down.  We live and breathe by the 5 S's he lays out.  If you're having trouble calming a baby, I highly recommend checking it out.  I'm fascinated by the idea that in some cultures colic doesn't exist and what we do here in the States that causes it.

Hopefully through some of the principles in the book, we can help nurture a confident and secure young lady.  I find myself thinking about what she is going to be like, what her interests are going to be, what she'll want to be when she grows up.  Those are some very special moments, cuddling and talking about the future together.  Sometimes, I swear she understands me.

Sunday we celebrated Sarah's two month birthday, and followed it up with a doctor's appointment on Monday.  She had several shots and she did NOT like that.  She was sore and swollen for about 24 hours afterwards.  Tylenol and gentle handling were definitely necessary.  It definitely hurt to hear her crying in pain like that.

Here's where we are at TWO months:

Height & Weight:  She weighed in at 5lbs 6oz and was 18.25" long.

Clothing:  She also officially is fitting in her Newborn sizes even better!  It seemed like over night her legs started fitting in the legs of her sleepers a little better.  Some styles are still too big, but there are several things now starting to fit better.

Diapers:  She's also firmly into Newborn sized diapers.  Occasionally still blows out of them.  My little girl has no problems in that department!

Eating:  She was eating about 2-2 1/2oz of breast milk and some formula (only twice a day) at her birthday.  She definitely doesn't like the formula.  Hopefully the doctor will let us come off it soon, and hopefully Mommy's milk will continue to be enough!  She strongly prefers the breast milk over formula.  Formula feedings are messy and lengthy.  Around Wednesday evening, she started eating anywhere from 2-5oz at a feeding.  We're pretty certain she's going through a growth spurt.

Sleeping:  Sarah sleeps in bursts of 2-5 hours at night.  We've only had a handful of nights that are 5 hour spurts, but we definitely enjoyed them!  We're closer to 3-4 hours on a regular basis.  Though, sometimes our night time feedings will take 20 minutes or well over an hour.  Depends on how she's feeling that night.

Quirks:  One of her favorite faces is putting her mouth in a tight O shape.  It looks like she's trying to whistle or give you a quick kiss!  Super cute!  She prefers to be swaddled and held most of the day.  Mom is going to try out a Moby wrap when she starts working from home again!  She's learning to hold her head up during tummy time, and is doing quite well.  She's also figured out how to wiggle out of almost every swaddle known to man.  The other day, she not only wiggled all the way out of it, but turned around in bed!  One of our favorite things is the Wubbanub!  It helps keep the paci in her mouth a little better, and it's not easily lost!  Love, love it.  We highly recommend the Wubbanub!

It's so hard to believe that her due date is only 4 days from now.  My how far we've come!  I never thought I'd be BACK to work before my due date.  I'm incredibly grateful for a company that values me and has helped work out a solution for this phase of our lives.  I will be working in the evenings in the office and during the day, I'll be able to work from home mostly.  Sarah will not have to go to daycare for her first year of life at the very least!  Hooray!!  Thank you, thank you, thank you, Nashville Ballet!

Here are a few pictures from this past week:

7/13/12: One of our favorite faces

7/16/12: 7 weeks old!

7/31/12: Officially 9 weeks old!

7/31/12: getting free of the swaddle